Some Book of Mormon Humor

So quick disclaimer here- this is not mine, I found it here at http://amenalready.tumblr.com/post/48598299602/the-book-of-mormon-as-told-by-k 
which I have linked at my "Mormon Humor" page. I love her stuff, it is just too good!

So if you have every wondered what the Book of Mormon was about, it is a record of the native inhabitants of the America's and Christ's visit to them. Here is a quick synopsis of the book:

The Book of Mormon, as told by K

Personally, I find the Book of Mormon very confusing and hard to follow. I didn’t grow up on it and the fact that everyone has one of the same 4 names makes it kind of overwhelming. So, I thought I would attempt to break it down. So, may I present: The Book of K

Lest you think I’m just whining about the Book of Mormon being incredibly confusing, please note, we don’t actually begin in the beginning. We start in Ether, almost at the end. Yeah, it’s weird.

Anyway, we’re at the Towel of Babel, and the Jaredites’ language isn’t confounded [reference to the Bible, go look it up if you are confused by that]

So they go off on the big sea and the Brother of Jared builds ships kind of like submarines, and G-d gives him special stones so they can have light. The Brother of Jared (poor guy never gets a real name. I’ll bet he was a middle child. We get so overlooked….) has so much faith that he even gets to see a finger of G-d, and saw Jesus and was ministered to by him

So, then, the Jaredites head out to the promised land, start a righteous nation. Then, people start falling away. Prophets are like people start falling away. Prophets are like 

  and the people listen to them but then there’s lots of contentions again, and secret plotting to overthrow the king. Things get really bad

Ether warns everyone to repent. Kingdom goes from good to bad to good to bad for a while and then finally just blows up 

Coriantumr was the last one left and he left a record of his people, later found by Mosiah.

Then we get to Lehi, who is prophesying in Jerusalem. Then G-d tells him to take his family and get the heck out because Jerusalem’s about to go

So they get on boats

and head to America (stay with me, here). Laman and Lemuel are constantly like:

and they’re all up in Nephi’s grill and try to fight him but he’s like:

and they can’t touch him. So then Lehi dies, and Laman and Lemuel continue to try to fight Nephi, so G-d tells him and his people to flee into the wilderness, which he does, and he and his group become the Nephites and Laman and Lemuel and their crew become the Lamanites. Nephi preaches and confounds the people who try to overthrow the doctrine of Christ.

Pretty soon, the Nephites aren’t all that much better than the Lamanites- lots of sins, wickedness, etc. So then Enos, one of Nephi’s sons, is out in the wilderness and remembers everything his dad taught him. He prays for redemption for himself, and for the Nephites, and the Lamanites. He covenants with G-d to keep a record of the Nephite people and G-d covenants that one day this record will be shown to the Lamanite people. So now Enos is prophet, and he tries to get the Nephites and Lamanites to be good and follow G-d. Lamanites were like: 

and they were really wild and awful. But now we get to the book of Jarom and the Nephites are being cool, keeping the law of Moses, and looking forward to the coming of Christ. They’re prospering and things are good. There’s a lot of prophets around to keep them on track. They keep the records, and then they find the people of Zarahemla and they’re like:

And then King Benjamin (son of Mosiah1, dad of Mosiah2) comes to power and he’s awesome, and super righteous, and he ensures peace in the land

He also prophecies and says a lot of beautiful things and gave an amazing sermon and leads people to Christ so he’s pretty awesome. His son Mosiah2 succeeds him as king of Zarahemla.

Meanwhile, Zeniff’s people beat up the Lamanites and establish kingdom, with King Noah in charge. King Noah is a bad guy:

So, this prophet Abinadi goes to King Noah and tells him about Jesus coming and tells him and his ppl to repent. And King Noah’s all “Shut up or I’ll kill you.” But Abinadi doesn’t shut up, so he gets burned alive.

But, Alma1 hears Abinadi and is converted

.

He starts preaching in private and baptizing people, then he organizes the church and ordaining priests. Then they have to run

so they head to the wilderness.

The Lamanites take down King Noah and Zormaites. King Noah’s son Limhi leads the Nephite people who had been captured by King Noah/ the Lamanites. Limhi is converted by Ammon, and Ammon leads the people to Zarahemla

Alma1 and his peeps were also capive, but in Helam, but because of their faith they were led out of bondage and went back to Zarahemla

Then, Alma1’s son, Alma2, and Mosiah2’s 4 sons are then converted and Mosiah2’s sons go serve a mission to the Lamanites

This means there’s no one to be king, though, so Mosiah2 decides to put in judges to govern. Alma2 becomes recod keeper, chief judge, and high priest. So, Mosiah2 and Alma1 die

.

Now we get to the Book of Alma, which goes on forever. Nehor and Amlici are bad dudes who try to rebel and overthrow the judges but the Nephites are like:

Zeezrom also tries to stir trouble but winds up being converted 

Nephihah takes over as judge, while Alma2 and Amulek go preach to the Ammonihahites. They cry repentance and explain that you cannot be saved by Christ unless you repent but the people aren’t big fans of this doctrine and they’re like:

 

and cast them into prison. Those who followed them get burned alive (but they are received by G-d in glory, so it’s all good). Still, Alma2 and Amulek had to watch this go down and weren’t being treated nicely either, so they’re not in such good moods. So, G-d’s like

and he makes the prison walls fall down and Alma2 and Amulek walk free, and their persecutors are killed. 

More war. City of Ammonihah is destroyed by the Lamanites, but Zoram leads the Nephites to victory.

Meanwhile, Alma2 meets up with Mosiah2’s sons, who tell him what they’ve been up to. They converted King Lamoni, and his father, and the Anti-Nephi-Lehies. The Anti-Nephi-Lehies are given the land of Jershon to call home. Amalickiah tries to take over the Nephites and take their freedom, but they’re like

 

and Captain Moroni leads the Nephites to victory. Lots of little armies stand strong, fortified by G-d so they’re like

and the Lamanites are driven out

 

and peace is established again.

Then there’s another war, and this time the Lamanites win, but then the Nephis win and take back the land. Nephi3 (I think that’s the right number)and Lehi2 go preach to the Lamanites and convert thousands

.

But then the Nephites are bad and the Lamanites are good. Nephites’ wickedness leads to them being defeated and broken down. But Nephi3 and Lehi2 devote themselves to preaching the word of G-d, warning the people to repent and preparing the people for Christ to come. To emphasize the message, G-d sends a pestilence. Samuel, a prophet from the Lamanite, preaches to the Nephites, warning that they will be destroyed if they don’t repent . They listen and shape up.

Then there’s lots of massive storms, earthquakes that destroy cities and 3 days of darkness and they all realize Christ is coming. So, the Nephites gather at the site of a former temple, and hear G-d’s voice proclaiming that the Savior is risen. Christ then comes to the Nephites in America

 (stay with me!).

Christ chose twelve apostles from among the Nephites, taught his gospel and organized his church.  The Nephites and Lamanites were united and were all converted to followers of Christ, and obeyed his commandments. All was well. After Christ left, a period of peace prevailed in the land.

But soon people get money, lose faith, corrupt the church, and persecute the faithful. They split back up into Nephites and Lamanites; neither group is particularly righteous at this point, though the Nephites had some good people, like Mormon. Mormon is appointed to lead the Nephite army as war breaks out again. The Lamanite army is kind of ridiculously big, which forces the Nephites to retreat as they are driven out by the Lamanites. They try to fight and defend themselves but quickly realize they’re screwed.  They still don’t turn back to G-d, which makes Mormon all:

There’s lots of theft, murder, witchcraft, and bad stuff going on with the Nephites, even though they’re getting the stuffing beat out of them. Fools don’t learn their lesson, and they don’t turn to G-d or ask Him for help, even though they’re about to go down. The Lamanites come and completely destroy them.   

Moroni wanders by himself, because his people are all dead, and he’s being hunted down too. But, he takes a break from fleeing for his life

  

to write out the order for the Priesthood, baptisms, the sacrament, and excommunication. This is a man with priorities. He gets a letter from Papa Mormon, saying he’s alive but the Lamanites won and the Nephites are basically all dead, and explaining that infant baptisms are a big no-no. Mormon worries his people will be destroyed but continues to preach but the people just won’t hear him.

Moroni tells any who read the record to ponder it, ask G-d in prayer in the name of Jesus Christ if it is true. If they ask with a sincere heart, the truth will be made known to them.

That is Moroni’s promise. It’s my promise too. This book may be crazy and convoluted and not so creative with the names, but it is true. This book changed my life. Through it I have found great peace and comfort. When everything else in my life is crazy and I don’t know what to do, this impossible-to-follow book is the only thing that makes things make sense. I highly recommend it. You can order your copy here:http://mormon.org/free-book-of-mormon (for free! Mormons love free things). You can also talk to some missionaries about it. They’re very nice, and they’re representatives for Jesus Christ, who is real, and who loves you. I promise.

xo,

K